Tuckered out from all the trick and/or treating? Tired of handing out discount sugar grenades to all the costumed neighborhood fat brats? Tore up from your weekend All Hallows Eve party where you drooled all over the “sexy/slutty nurse” (otherwise known as your GF’s BF) all night? Ready for some good ole Halloween scares, shocks, heebies and jeebies of the stay-safely-under-the-covers-at-home variety?
Well, here’s our Top Ten Halloween Fright Night Pix Picks to make your heart pump with that horror show adrenalin dump that you crave like a mean dope fiend. Enjoy all the frantic, freaky mayhem you sick, twisted puppies! And what’s that noise just outside the door…
10. 2010’s, “Zombieland”.
Let’s all slide in fast and funny with Woody Harrelson and Jessie Eisenberg as our fave zombie hunting duo of all time. Thrown together on a cross-country survival tour with Emma Stone (flashing some sweet tail in the gas station- thanks ES!) and Abigail Breslin as an unlikely end-of-the-world quartet, this Z-comedy is loaded with rowdy laughs, gratuitous violence and (don’t spoil it) features one of the greatest cameos in recent movie history. The post-apocalypse never looked like so much fun!
9. 2012’s, “V/H/S”.
An anthology by 4 different directors, this frenetic freak show is packed with high energy, indie intensity and a wicked sense of the cyber-age creepy crawly. We like the 1st and 3rd segments the best (and could’ve done without the entire “found footage” wraparound device) but this one will definitely grab you by the throat and hold on for all 116 of its gory, gooey, pedal-to-the-metal minutes.
8. 1970’s, “The Dunwich Horror”.
Based loosely on the H.P. Lovecraft novel, this very Old School, schlocky, sexy, 70’s era psychedelic/supernatural mash-up may elicit as many snorts as scares but give the goofy gloriousness of an over-the-top Dean Stockwell and the juicy gorgeousness of All-American Girl, Sandra Dee (dee-liciously sans clothing), a shot and you just may discover a brand new Halloween staple.
7. 1999’s “Audition”.
Directed by Japanese Horror/Terror Master Takashi Miike (and we just had to include at least one Miike film in our list) this toxic little tale most definitely serves up heaps of the chilling creepy along with a horrific amount of the queasy so if you’re feeling a tad squeamish…skip this one. Like most Miike flicks, unsettling, unnerving and just plain unhinged are the words that come to mind once we’ve recovered from the shock.
6. 1887’s, Clive Barker’s “Hellraiser”.
A new age grindhouse classic that just never gets old and a staple for any hardcore horror fan, CB’s HR still packs a 93 minute wallop after all these years. Watch out ‘cuz you’ll be seeing Pinhead in your nightmares.
5. 1964’s, “Onibaba”.
Shot in moody, magnificent B&W by Japanese Director Kaneto Shindo, this dark tale of murder, lust and survival from Shindo-san is one of the Master’s finest. If you think this 60’s effort might be a touch too slow or soft for you then just check the first 5 minutes. Then catch your breath and get ready for more. This is a haunting, hungry, sweaty, searing passion play adorned with breathtaking, arresting images that will linger in your dreams.
4. 1981’s Original, “The Evil Dead”.
This is brilliant Director Sam Raimi’s first wild swing at horror and, Brother, he swings for the fences! All the manic energy and action you’d expect from Young Turk Raimi with absolutely no studio brakes applied. College kids at a lonely cabin in the woods…what could go wrong? And isn’t every movie better when it has Bruce Campbell in it? Wild, freaky fun from start to finish!
3. 2007’s, “Them”.
A happy couple is enjoying the good life in their isolated, weekend getaway home in the country when a group of hooded invaders creep in to turn their long night upside down and inside out. A based-on-a-true-story tale that’s been copied over and over, this jangling, jittery take by French Directors/Writers David Moreau and Xavier Palud really gets under your skin and crawls around. Don’t blame us if you’re up all night checking the locks.
2. 1968’s, “Rosemary’s Baby”.
Directed by Roman Polanski and featuring the lovely, waiflike Mia Farrow as the vulnerable Mother-to-be of the title, this contagious film ratchets up the tension, dread and paranoia as we get unwittingly sucked into an eerie conspiracy that threatens every moment of the familiar with the terror of the unknown. The late, great John Cassavettes more than fills the sleazy bill as the slippery husband with a secret and Sidney Blackmer and Best Supporting Actress Winner Ruth Gordon are riveting as the anxiously pushy, overly curious and creepily insidious, “eccentric” next-door neighbors. A timeless masterpiece that always feels urgent as it plucks out our most primal fears.
1. 1976’s Original, “Carrie”.
No, we haven’t seen the remake and we don’t intend to because horror flicks just don’t get any better than this one. Director Brian DePalma pulls out all the pulpy stops and hooks us hard with this steamy high school drama from the Master of the all too identifiably horrific, Stephen King. Featuring the luminous Sissy Spacek perfectly cast as the hothouse flower of a girl who winds up taking a little bit too much heat, payback flicks don’t get much more hysterically gleeful than this. Best Supporting Actress Nominee Piper Laurie is genuinely frightening as the maniacally uptight, repressed, raving lunatic of a Mom that makes Carrie’s home life a nightmare while Nancy Allen’s pretty poison/head cheerleader terrorizes her school life with the assistance of her dopey, meathead of a BF, John Travolta. Amy Irving is the Bad Girl gone Good who tries to make amends but…let’s just say there is no happy ending.
Available right now on Netflix so fire up the popcorn and check it out.
And last but certainly not least-
Bonus Alternative Halloween Tasty Treat- 1988’s, “Elvira, Mistress of the Dark”, with that campy, kooky, kinky, voluptuous Pin-up Goddess Elvira/Cassandra Peterson killing us all with the laughs and knocking us out with her ample…talents. No jolting jump scares or heart thumping suspense here ladies and gentlemen, but…WOW…does she have some talented tassels!
Available for your viewing pleasure (and we do mean pleasure) on Netflix.
That’s all for now, folks but…no…seriously…wait a sec…didn’t you hear that?